June 30, 2007

Last night we did our first event under the name of our new ministry - The Free Methodist Church at Farmington. We performed music ministry at a little park in the middle of town. There were some glitches at the beginning with a brand new - still in the boxes - sound system (not ours) and miscommunication with the event coordinators. And part of the group didn’t show up, so it was just Art, me, and Julia (a Navajo sister whose group it was, who has agreed to be part of our worship team at church PTL) and two other guys who do country and western hymns. The audience more or less came and went, passing through to other places and stopping to listen. But a handful stayed for the whole thing. There were some street people, one in particular who spent a long time talking to Art as he was setting up, and then to me as they were tearing down the equipment. He was pretty drunk when the music started, but hung out for the whole 2 hours and asked for prayer. I was thinking of the poem I wrote over a year ago, which I am posting again. He said he’d come to church Sunday. We’ll see. At least the seed was planted.
Most of the songs we did were original and several were in Navajo. A challenge for me, but Julie says I’m doing pretty good. We’ll be doing a couple of them tomorrow in Church. Psalm 150 - Let everything that has breath praise the LORD!

Written January 2006

I see you
You are not invisible to me.
I see you all
Walking with your head down,
Dragging you feet, wearing out your souls.
I see you
Vacant men walking past Vacant houses
Men of the Land, who don’t seem to care anymore
about the Land around them
Dry, like the Land you are born to
I see you
Making your way into town
For a drink, for a job, for a change
And making your way home again
To the old mother who still cares
To the old grandmother who still prays for you
To be greeted by a long sad sigh and an open door
I want to say, “hold your head up high”
I want to say, “be the brave you were born to be”
I want to say, “I am sorry.”
I want to cook for you, and sing you songs, and tell you stories
Great Stories, Living Stories
I want to give you a hot cup of coffee on a cold night,
With lots of sugar and a dash of hope.
I want to drive you home
To the son that needs you
To the woman that loves you
And I want to say…
Look past the moon, Look past the stars.
Look past the tent meetings and revivals
Seek God!
He is there waiting
He sees you.
Learn to sing His songs
He is calling you.
Believe His stories
He has a plan for you!
All of you. Each of You.
Walking this Land for a Divine purpose.
He is not the White Man’s God
He is every man’s God
He is not the missionary’s God
He is the People’s God
He formed you, He knows you, He sees you.
You are not invisible to Him.

Morning Has Broken

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit…
As I woke up to greet the dawn today, to listen to the chorus of birds singing their early morning praises, drinking my coffee and doing my devotions…I realized that it has been just one month since we got the phone call about the “mission”. Were we still interested? Did we think maybe we could? Perhaps this…could be…might happen…we’ll see…
Since then we’ve run into several people from “back then”, had several encounters with people that God obviously sent our way, took a nice trip to Phoenix to meet with the powers that be and it looks like a sure thing. We are humbled, encouraged, and just a wee bit scared. It looks like we have two other couples that might walk this path with us. One of the husbands is capable of handling the money, thank God. The other is very knowledgeable about things like plumbing and heating and septic tanks, thank God. On Wednesday night, since there has always been a Wednesday night service of sorts scheduled, we were at the site. I was puttering around with banners and plants. The one couple stopped by to introduce themselves and see what we were all about. They had helped/served there in the past, but certain events led to their leaving a while back. As we were sharing our vision a gentleman drove up. He was just going to park in our lot to wait for his son to get out of work, but ended up having a nice long chat with Pastor Art and asking for prayer. That is one way this ministry is going to happen. One wanderer at a time. A cup of coffee or a glass of ice tea. An open door and a light in the window. Yeah, we are going to “do church”. It will be interesting to see how the services will evolve. Old time Free Methodist, Navajo, Liturgical, Contemporary, Traditional… We’re also planning on having an emergency food pantry, family night outreaches, and workshops for area (reservation) pastors. And even as I write this, I can’t believe it is now more than just a dream or vision. The LORD is constantly reminding me, He is behind these events, and we can not do any of this outside of His will. So I pray for wisdom, provision, and shalom. I pray, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. I say, Glory be to the Father, Son and Holy Spirit…amen

The Church at Farmington

In the foreground is the church building. The building in the back ground houses the fellowship hall, the future food pantry, Pastor Art's office and our apartment. Now that I know how to post pictures, more will follow. To God be the Glory!

Close Encounters

Today we went out to eat at Golden Corel, and our server was an old student of mine. I remember him well. He had a long beautiful braid down his back, and I was glad to see it was still there. His father was an artist, and had some of his pieces displayed in Washington DC. This kiddo used to get all stressed out whenever his father had to travel to show and/or sell his work. I'd have to show him on the map where he was going and the route he was probably taking. That was back when he was a fourth grader. He graduated from high school this year.
One of the things I remember most is that one time he had a real bad ear infection. He was feeling really sick, and I felt so sorry for him. I told him to tell his mom, so she could take him to the doctor. His reply was, "That's ok, Mrs. Brokop, my parents are taking me to a medicine man this week end." Back then, when I shared that story, some of my friends asked didn't they have enough money to take him to a "real" doctor. They didn't understand that medicine men were much more expensive than a regular doctor. These men sing songs and burn grasses, and often "remove" bones, teeth, arrow heads, and rocks from the bodies of their patients. Matt was from a very traditional family. So imagine my thrill when he proudly told me that he was going to Bible College to become a preacher of the Gospel. On Arpil 13, 2005 I posted an article about another of my students from a very traditional family who was leading a Bible Study in his junior high school. Thank you Jesus for rescuing these beautiful young men from the deep darkness...and for divine appointments. For the last couple of weeks we've had several enounters that have encouraged us. We are closer to going back into ministry now than we have been for years. And we've just barely been able to keep the foxes of anxiety and stress at bay.
So first we run into a family that was part of our first ministry here, the one we may be going back to - nice chat. Then we find out our son's roommate works with a girl that was also part of that church and is excited to hear we may be going back. She doesn't go there anymore, but if Pastor Art is there, maybe...Then we run into a whole pack of folk who were part of Gateway of the Rock Church...and Pastor Art is talking about one of the guys he worked with on the propane trucks, wondering if he could find him and invite him to come to the church, since he had expressed some interest back in December...and who do you suppose knocks on our door Thursday morning, out of the blue? And now Matt. Now that I'd expect him to come to our church, He's happy where he is and doing well...it's just encourageing you know, and like God reminding us, He's there, and He's working things out...Yeah God!

update

I cut and pasted the posting below from the Gateway of the Rock site. On Tuesday, June 11 we will be in Phoenix AZ, meeting with the Superintendent of the Arizona Free Methodists to discuss our proposal for ministry on the "mission". I've been "seeing" this and praying this for many years. I know some of you are already joining us in prayer over this...Thank you, and amen.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Isaiah 61
Prayed over Pastor Art and Maryellen as they became leaders of an Open Bible Standard ministry in the Four Corners region of the USA. Revisited so many times that the page from Maryellen's Bible has fallen out. To Bring Good News to the afflicted, to Proclaim Liberty, the radio minitry could do that, but we lost our sponser last year...the ability to do better desk top publishing would help get the teaching out...we're working on that. To proclaim liberty to the captives and freedom to the prisoners, to comfort those who mourn.That "mandate" means more to us now because of the situation with our own son. We are more sensitive to the needs of the repentant and redeemed felon who faces a world of rejection, and to the mothers (family) of prisoners who live with shame and frustration. There is freedom in Christ for all, and comfort - 2Corinthians 1:3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. But we aren't sure how that will manifest itself in ministry.Perhaps if we actually had a facility, a place from which to minister. A church were freed prisoners could feel safe and accepted, a church where mothers would get the word, your sons have value. Jesus valued them so much that He died on the cross for them. What greater value is there than that?Then they will rebuild the ancient ruins, They will raise up the former devastations and they will repair the ruined cities. So, Maryellen always sees "the mission" when she reads that verse. A facility established in 1952, where we first ministered when we came to this part of the world. There's a tiny church, a fellowship hall from which we could operate a soup kitchen (mutton stew and fry bread?),offices, a workshop and store house, a few run down housing units, and room to expand.But - it's not for sale, and we have no money...Maryellen has seen the run down mission restored...and the vision returns everytime she hears Isaiah 61, But - it's not for sale, and we have no money. We heard a teaching on Isaiah 61 this weekend at a prophetic event, a camp meeting on the Navajo Reservation. And we are still waiting for direction as to where Gateway of the Rock isheading. So, the Lord God will cause righteousness and praise to spring up before all the nations - for all the nations - well, the Four Corners of the USA is a place of gathering of the Navajo Nation, as well as the Hopi, Ute, Apache, Hispanic and ofcourse those of us of European descent - a place where every knee shall bow and every tongue (many tongues) will confess - That Jesus Christ is LORD. Soon and very soon!

May 28, 2009

Isaiah 55
I have often said, that if I could only have one book of the Bible, I would want the book of Isaiah. It is so full of prophecy, promise, poetry and praise. And by estimation, the LORD gave it to us no less than 3 times, perhaps 4 if you count the reformation. The first time these words were shared was nearly 3000 years ago. When Isaiah first heard and saw that which the LORD would have him write. Then, between the councils of the 4th and 5th century and the translating of the original languages into Latin and German and English etc, the people were once more given these beautiful words, these Living Words. Finally, in the mid 20th century, we received it again via the Dead Sea Scrolls. Carbon dated and proven to be written generations before the birth of Jesus, the messianic prophesies are hard to deny. A virgin will give birth, He will be pierced for our transgressions, and one of my favorite to quote to the most severe skeptic “His grave was assigned with wicked men, yet he was with a rich man in his death” (53:9) (See Matt. 27:57-60).
So now, as my husband and I anticipate the possibility of a new ministry, I am reminded of the first chapter I meditated on when we moved to this area a decade ago. The alter Bible was open to Isaiah 55, in the little church where Art was called to pastor. I remembered how it started…”Ho! Everyone who thirsts, come to the waters, And you who have no money, come buy and eat..” I thought it might be a good place to go this week. All things considered.
Every one who thirsts, come to the water…the living water. I never thought that much about water until I moved to a desert. And you who have no money…wine and milk without money and without cost.
That’s one of the visions I have for ministry. A place where the thirsty and weary can stop for a cold drink and find refreshment for their souls as well. “Coffee and Tea Always Free - Now Open - Everyone Welcome!
And a call to the nations. Seek the LORD while He may be found. So I think of how the nations gather here in the Four Corners. Navajo and Apache, Mexican and Anglo, many tribes, tongues, and nations. Reminds me of Acts 17:26 - 27 “and He made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined their appointed times and the boundaries of their habitation, they would seek God, if perhaps they might grope for him and find him.”
There is, in that chapter, a well known and often quoted verse. One used especially when something tragic happens - “For my thoughts are not your thoughts nor are your ways my ways declares the LORD, for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” I take these words, not as an explanation or source of comfort, but rather as a warning to those who think they understand it all better than anyone else. God has given us his living word. He has revealed his will and nature through that word. But there are still mysteries which we will never understand, debates that will never be settled. Who and Why and How does God forgive? Can the predestined wicked actually forsake their ways and return to the LORD?
And then the WORD, the Living Word, Jesus, that goes forth from his mouth and accomplishes what God decided would be accomplished.
Hear the music? You will go out with joy and be led forth with peace,
The mountains and hills will break forth before
And the trees of the fields will clap their hands…
And finally, another desert promise: instead of the thorn bush, the cypress will come up, instead of the nettle, the myrtle will come up, Yes and

Mother's day, but not about mothers...

I’ve been thinking about the “One True Church” lately. For a season, during which I wrote quite a bit, I was considering going back to the Roman Catholic Church. Recently, PBS did an extensive report on Mormonism, and NO, I am not for a second considering going that route. Just pointing out here, that the RC is not the only church out there laying claim to the title “One True Church”. Need I even mention Islam?
The protestant branches of Christianity usually don’t make such exclusive claims, yet each seems to think they are more right, more true to Scripture than the other. And whereas, any serious study of Mormon theology reveals some very serious flaws and all other Christian churches, including of course the RC, agree that although Mormons are usually very nice people, they do not believe that Jesus is what Christians generally believe He is, so are not actually Christian, the Roman Catholics do not teach a false Christ, yet most protestant churches seem to feel that the RC is the great harlot, anti-christ, spawn of the devil, or something like that. Did you follow that sentence? St. Paul would be proud. I got a bit wordy there.
I do not reject the teachings of the Roman Catholic Church. In fact, I much rather listen to the teachings on EWTN (the Catholic Network) than TBN. I find less heresy there, and more intellectual, less emotional instruction. Less tickling of the ears. More in depth study of the Scriptures, Church Fathers, and early church.
I still find the Rosary a little hard to take. But then, it’s not that much different than repeating the same chorus or single line of a song over and over and over again, or speaking in tongues. Ok, so some of you might want to argue that there is a big difference. Go ahead. I’m just saying….
I don’t reject the teachings of the Roman Catholic Church, except that I don’t think it should claim to be the only “One True Church”. Yet, in looking for a church in which, or should I say “with which” to worship God, the Father Almighty - YHWH - Three in One, I couldn’t pick one that believed devote Roman Catholics will burn in hell, or that a protestant who decides to become a Roman Catholic has rejected the truth and is lost.
If I am lost, it is not because I decided to go back to the RC or not to go back. If I am saved it is only through the grace, mercy, sacrifice and truth of my LORD Jesus Christ.
I’ve decided I need a sacramental church. Holy Communion is important to me. God expects us to love Him with our hearts, minds, souls, our whole beings. He created us in His image and likeness. And He set forth rites, rituals, celebrations and festivals for us to follow. I don’t think we need to go back to the Old Testament style of worship, but I don’t think we need to reject all those traditions either. Rather then being an audience that gets to sing along at a worship service, a sacramental, liturgical sort of worship service makes us participates, mind - soul -body. That’s one of the reasons going to the Episcopal Church in town was right for me. Except for the liberal, anti-biblical teachings and mandates coming from the higher up. So serious was it, that the Bible honoring priest of the church stepped down. That’s why I was looking toward the RC. At least there, sin is sin, and the leadership is admonished for any liberal, or immoral tendencies. Life is still and absolutely protected. And there is more of “pick up your cross and follow ME” and less of “name it, claim it” being preached. Honestly, I rather say the rosary, meditate on the mysteries of faith and repeat verses from the Bible, than be told that if I were really saved I’d speak in tongues and that all true Christians believe in the pre-trib rapture.
But I have not decided to return to the CHURCH. Right now, I am worshiping with a congregation that split off from the Episcopalian church in town after the priest left. It meets Saturday evenings in a borrowed sanctuary. My Saturdays now consist of spending time with my dear grandchildren, God bless their little souls, eating out, except that isn’t so much fun now that I am on my life with one kidney diet, doing the laundry and going to church. Sundays have truly become a day of rest. Sleep in, watch a TV teaching or two, correct papers (but I only have 8 more days of school), and enjoy spring on the Rez.
Back to the topic, One True Church, nope. I don’t believe there is such a thing. A perfect Church? Surely not. Only one way to salvation? Yep. Jesus is the way. Only one way to Jesus? Probably not. Our creator God is a God of variety, diversity, and fortunately for us, full of patience and mercy. Slow to anger and quick to forgive.
I have this “saying”. A little quote I jokingly attribute to God. “Look what they’ve done to my dog!” You know. When we see all the different sizes and breeds, especially the little silly ones (my apologies to dog lovers everywhere). I think, God made one beautiful dog. And through genetics and selective breeding…just look at what we did to His dog. Maybe Our Father, who dwells in heaven (Hallowed be His Name - YHWH), looks down on all the people who claim the name of His son - who call themselves Christians - and bemoans, “Look what they’ve done to My Church!" LORD have mercy on us all.

Prayer

Many years ago, my husband and I were asked to conduct a workshop on the occult for a statewide youth gathering. As we prepared for the weekend event we elicited prayer, knowing full well that a prayer covering was much needed for such activity.
Prayer covering…
Hedge of protection…
Prayer partners and prayer warriors…
Such terms mean little to the no Christian I suppose. Perhaps even some Christians are unsure of exactly what such expressions mean. Yet some of us take the concepts so much for granted that they actually become mundane and loose their power.
Concerning that workshop so many years ago. Our prayer partners knew the dates and times of the presentations (we did 4 to accommodate the hundreds of youth that attended the event) And each workshop was well attended and well received. What I remember most, and the reason I bring this up now, is that when the last session was done, within minutes, we both felt a very real “let down”, a sense of oppression and stress that took us by surprise. The prayers that had carried us through the event had ceased and we could actually, physically feel it. The enemy had been waiting, like foxes looking for cracks in the wall, so that they could get into the vineyard and nip at our heels.
I can recall a time, when I was teaching at a Christian School in NY, one of my student’s mother came up to me one morning, obviously distressed. “Are you alright?” she asked me with great concern. I was fine. She explained that she had woken up the night before with an overwhelming urge to pray for me and my family, which she did…for hours. I assured me I was fine, my family was in no crisis and she seemed disappointed. As if she had prayed and lost all that sleep for nothing. I reassured her by saying that we may never know what sort of crisis or emergency, or spiritual attack her prayers may have averted. And to never resist the urge to pray for someone, whenever, however it comes.
Prayer.
So many people lifted me up in prayer over the past few months. Like the paralytic on the mat, being lifted to the roof top and lowered into the presence of the LORD.
I am humbled.
What did that paralytic think? He basically just went along for the ride. And I’m sure it wasn’t a very comfortable ride. How aware was he of where he was being taken? Was he anxious or simply resigned?
From the first hint of a possible problem in January, through the test, to the diagnosis, to the ride into surgery, I was resigned and at peace. The word Cancer did not really scare me, only the concept of a long fight and loosing my hair gave me a bit of anxiety, but impending death didn’t bother me at all. Asking for healing didn’t even cross my mind. But apparently it did cross the minds of many friends and relatives who put me on prayer chains and lifted me up to our LORD. A hedge of protection. Peace that passes understanding. Healing graces. Mercy.
I am humbled.
I’ve been healed. And I don’t know why. There seems to be so many other people more needy, more worthy. I’m thinking of baby Emilio, on life support. Of all the crying, praying mothers. And perhaps because the crisis is over, and the prayers have turned to others needing urgent prayer, I feel the enemy nipping at my heels. Reminding me that I am unworthy. Making me feel that my life is pointless, I’m old and tired and ineffective in ministry. Showing me my failures, as a mother and wife and teacher. I’m still healing. I think this event will force me to get into better shape physically, life with one kidney means paying special attention to ones diet. I also think this event will cause me to be more diligent in my personal prayer life. But the foxes have gotten into the vineyard, and I’m not moving very fast these days. Perhaps, those of you who care and feel so led, could say one or two more little prayers for little old me. Just a little prayer booster. And God bless us, everyone!

Easter Sunday

There is a new church plant in the area. An out cropping of the Episcopalian Church we had been attending for the past year. We did not start going there immediately after the priest resigned. After all, we weren’t actually Episcopalian, nor were we Anglicans. Yesterday we attended the “Easter Vigil” since they are currently sharing a building with another church and are holding their services on Saturday evenings.
The Easter Saturday service was full of multisensory, ancient - traditional acts of worship. Starting with the kindling of a fire and the lighting of the Paschal Candle - “for darkness has been vanquished, all you who stand near this marvelous holy flame - in the unity of the Holy Spirit…”
Then there was the recounting of the creation story - in the beginning God said, let there be light. And an interactive account of the Exodus story, with several enthusiastic children providing the sound effects. There was a renewal of the Baptism vows, liturgical and responsive reading. After which the shofar was blown and the congregation responded with the ringing of bells and gongs and shouts of praise - alleluia!
As the worship team sang traditional and not so traditional songs of praise, proclaiming the good news of the resurrected Christ, the congregation - mostly children, used fresh cut flowers to decorate a large rustic cross. This was followed by the rite of the Eucharist. Blessed are you O Lord, King of the Universe! Because this is a church within a church, and some members of the hosting church also attend the services of the new church, when they serve communion, they use both wine and grape juice. Taste and see that the LORD is good. Receiving communion is an important aspect of my personal act of worship, and I am happy to attend services where the LORD’s supper is the focal point. As in the early church. The Christians were known by their love and by the breaking of the bread.
The smell of the fire, and fresh cut flowers.
The sound of the shofar, bells, and songs of joy
The touch of the rugged cross and soft flowers, the cool of the night and the warmth of fellowship
The sight of the flame, the icons, the cup and bread - familiar symbols of faith
The taste of the bread and the fruit of the vine…
With my whole body, mind, spirit I worship the Lord - Jesus Christ - amen!

Monday - April 2, 2007

Home, minus one kideny and Cancer Free!
Pastor Art is reading the book "Why I Am Not a Calvinist" by Jerry L. Walls and Joseph R. Dongell to me as I recover from the surgery.
I read Psalm 66 as my personal devotion today and wrote in my prayer journel...
" He has heard my prayer and the prayers of ohers on behalf. I am humbled. I am encouraged.
Selah!" I'll keep you posted...

March 14, 2007
It is 8:22 am, Daylight Savings Time, in Shiprock, NM. I’ve actually been looking forward today. State testing is done at school and I have the day off. We will take a nice, scenic drive to Durango, Colorado where I will have a biopsy on my kidney.
Strange things unfolding these days. Strange and confusing thoughts racing through this old brain of mine.
I have no idea who actually reads these ramblings and who cares. My sisters and best friend usually don’t. There is the Wanderer, and Stephanie the teacher. An Australian peer, a Japanese invalid, a pre-Vatican II Catholic, and a Biblical Fanatic have stopped by on occasion. I haven’t had much of a chance to go blogging myself. We have a nice new computer now, so maybe over spring break - if I’m not in the hospital having my kidney removed, I’ll get some time in hubby’s office to catch up with some old blogger friends and make some new ones.
I am still in the midst of the Roman Catholic conundrum. In my three part essay and my history as a Christian and why I am even considering returning to the Roman Catholic Faith, I noted that according to the CHURCH, since I once knew the whole truth and then turned my back on it, I am headed to hell.
I am adamant not to let fear of hell be the deciding factor in my decision. Not that I don’t believe in it, but God is Love and Jesus is Truth and perfect love and truth casts out fear…not exactly a quote, but you get the point.
I have realized that I never actually made a thought out choice to leave the Catholic church. I never really considered the ramifications of it. When I said yes to Jesus, in the summer of 1979, I was saying yes to the Person, not a church, and it took me quite a while to settle into a church. At this point in my life, if I don’t go back to the Catholic Church it will be a conscious decision not to, after considering the options and consequences.
So, yesterday - a new element was thrown into the mix. One of the radio preachers I wake up to was on a severe anti-catholic rant. And he actually said that people who were following the teachings of the Roman Catholic Church were following a lie and bound for hell. What’s that saying? Damned if I do and Damned if I don’t.
Which, in the light of the fact that I could possibly have a fatal disease, and I’m not sure I have the emotional strength to fight it if I do, is an interesting concept. I could have the answer to my question soon. And then it might be too late. Yet, still there is no fear.
Another thing I have realized is that the main reason we settled into the churches we settled into were relational not theological. We did leave churches because of theological issues, because we disagreed with certain doctrines or practices and rather than cause a fuss or shake anyone’s faith, we tried to walk quietly away. There were a couple of major conflicts, divorces of sort, when the leaving was very painful. And a few times when leaving was failure. How many times? How many churches? I can’t take the time to sort it all out just now. But the point is that there is no relationship now to guide us to a Church. No relationship except with the LORD. And perhaps it bothers me, just a little, to have no church family and no church to celebrate my passing, if I pass on.
I thought, what would my friends say if I went home to the Catholic Church. Then I thought, what friends? Sad isn’t it? I have one best friend, 2000 miles away, and my husband, some colleagues, a nice neighbor, some casual friends, but very few people that I feel really close to. Perhaps that is why I blog. For that sense of community. Oh well, it is time to get on with my day. It is a lovely spring day. The sparrows are chirping, a warm wind is blowing, the sun is shining. I’m all washed up and ready to go. Until next time, I am always and only M.E.

Wednesday

As I continue to think about the Roman Catholic Church, I’ve identified 4reasons why I would even being looking in that direction.First there is the Eucharist. Going to our local Episcopalian church for ayear, reminded me how much I missed receiving communion every week. Andthere is a sense of the sacred, the HOLY that goes along with a liturgicalcelebration of the Lord’s Table, that I have seldom experienced inprotestant churches, although there are examples of this in some mainlinedenominational churches, ie. Lutheran and Methodist. But mainline churchesare so getting so liberal in their doctrines. Which brings me to thesecond reason.Leadership and Authority. I’m not a foolish person, naïve or uneducated. Iknow there has been corruption and some very dark ages in Roman Catholic –Papal history. Yet it seems that the problem of changing doctrine, liberalthinking, and church hoping til you find a church that fits, are allsymptoms of not having good, definite leadership…someone, somewhere whogive the final word to settle conflict. And it seems that without thisauthority, there are too many pastors and teachers out there who are undereducated, and unsupervised. When one says they only have to answer to oneauthority, be it the BIBLE or the LORD Himself, that leaves too much roomfor the deceiver to pervert the truth, and lead not only the shepherd buthis flock astray. The third reason follows logically. The question of doctrine. I’ve hadmany debates here and elsewhere about the doctrine of predestination. Butthere are other doctrines as well, that many main line churches, megachurches, and tela-evangelists claim to be ultimate truth, that I can’tswallow. Like tongues and rapture, while there are some, like HolyCommunion (John 6) and Apostolic authority, that they ignore or down play. And as I intentlylisten to Bible teachers, Catholic and non-Catholic, I hear much deeperteaching – more substance and less shouting, from the Catholics. The fourth reason is personal. It has to do with the journey I’ve been on.The journey that my husband and I have been on for the past 30 years.There have been a lot of road blocks and disappointments. Rejection andfrustration. It seems impossible, yet in some way logical that all thishas led us, in a very round about way, to the Catholic Church. And itwould actually make sense, if this were why things have been going the waythey’ve been going. The consideration. Choosing Catholic would be a much more seriousdecision than choosing to hop from the Assemblies of God to the Methodistor placePlaceNameBaptist PlaceTypeChurch. And there is the question of myimmortal soul. I think a true Catholic would tell me that if I didn’t“come home” I would end up burning in hell, having once known the wholetruth and rejecting it. I will not make my decision based on the fear ofhell. Yet, if Catholicism is true, except for the hope of Divine Mercy,that is a serious issue. Especially now.Which brings me to my prayer request. On March 14 I am going in for a biopsy on my kidney. I am not reallyworried about this. But the situation is real and could be serious. Ithink probably, at the least, I will have to have the kidney removed. Ihonestly expect the worst. But your prayers would be appreciated. Time to go back to work. Blessings All!

Wednesday

I’m not sure where I’ll be going to Church the next few Sundays. We’ve been worshiping in the local Episcopal congregation for about a year, but our friend the priest resigned last week. God bless him and his family for taking a stand for the Gospel of Christ and the authority of the Bible over the authority of man, or in this case woman.
Ah, the chain of authority, submitting to authority. I know there is a lot that can be said against the Roman Catholic Church. But look at the depths to which so many main line denominations have fallen. Churches which exist because their founders rebelled or at the very least protested against the authority of the RC church.
The Bible alone! Yet so many argue over what it means. If we were in agreement, there wouldn’t be so many different denominations. Faith alone? But even the demons believe.
I recently heard a priest address the idea of faith alone. First that in that oft quoted verse, “by faith alone” the word alone was added by Luther in his translation into German.
Second, that when talking about entering into the kingdom of God, Jesus included the “sacraments”. In John 6 He says unless we eat of his body and drink of his blood we can not enter the Kingdom of God - not a direct quote but I often wonder if non-catholic ministers really meditate on that intense teaching. Or perhaps, like giving honor to Mary, they think that Communion is “too Catholic” to give much attention to. And baptism for the forgiveness of sin.
And James, the brother of Jesus, (his step brother or cousin if you go along with Catholic teaching) says “not by faith alone” 2:24. When the rich young ruler asked Jesus what he should do to be saved, Jesus answered, obey the commandments and sell all your stuff and give to the poor.
Like I said, I don’t know where I’ll be going to Church now that Fr. Carl quit. Maybe the LORD will open a door for Pastor Art to minister again. Maybe I’ll find a good Wesleyan type church. We were discussing our options on the way home last Sunday. Oh well, I will trust in the LORD, trust that He will direct my paths. At least I know, that today I will watch the sun rise, go to work, teach and drink green tea. I know my students will frustrate me and make me smile. I know I will try to tackle the paperwork piling up on my desk, and come home exhausted. Yesterday my husband - Pastor Art - and I got to share a glorious sunrise and sunset. Praise to the LORD, the Almighty, the maker of heaven and earth - amen

Child of God Child of Man

Over the weekend, Pastor Art and I went to see the movie “Children of Men”. A harsh portrayal of a world without hope. An appropriate movie to watch as the echoes of the Right to Life - Prolife marches of last week fade away. Latest statistic - 1 out of every 4 pregnancies in the USA end in abortion. And did I also hear that 45% of American woman are battling infertility?
There are so many factors that could bring life as we know it to a grinding halt. From bird flu to terrorism, yet life goes on. As in the days of Noah.
I was thinking about that phrase - As in the days of Noah - which led me to read Luke 17:22-37...and Genesis 6: 5-6...and Genesis 9:1-6
And I saw 2 things I hadn’t noticed before. The passages in Luke are often used by the rapture teachers, about those who will be left behind. I always thought that the disciples asked our LORD the question “When?’ But the question they asked after his discourse was “Where?”. As in, “Where will they be taken?” And his answer was, “Where the body is, there also will the vultures be gathered.” Doesn’t sound like they’ll be taken to heaven, I’d rather not be taken to where the vultures gather. Thanks, really, but I’d rather be the one left behind.
And the other thing, which stood out because I once got into a debate about whether or not we were made in the image and likeness of God. This particular teacher was saying that after the fall, mankind was no longer in the image and likeness of God. It wasn’t until we were saved, and of course our salvation was is a gift from God, as is our faith and the ability to seek and say yes to God. In other words, only those who were predestined to be saved were or could be considered made in the image and likeness of God. But after the flood, after the waters receded, God said these words to Noah - “Whoever sheds man’s blood, by man his blood shall be shed, for in the image of God He made man.” A hint of the cross I think, in those words. Yet still, sin nature or not, Man was and is created in the image of his/her creator.
We are attending the local “Episcopalian” church, which is in deep crisis. I love the liturgy and respect the priest who is grieving so for the sake of his flock and the Church he loves. And again I think of the Roman Catholic Church and the teachings I’ve been listening to. And the letter I have yet to mail. The Episcopalian denomination - actually the Church of England - the Anglicans broke away from the RC because a king wanted to divorce his wife. The Lutherans were only seeking to reform the RC Church, not create a new and improved Church, and if you look into Luther’s life, his writings other than the 31 statements hung on the door, or the famous “I can do no other” speech, are very anti-jew, anti woman, sort of messed up, if you ask me. But what does what I say or believe matter? It’s all a question of authority. And the Church that claims apostolic authority from the time of Peter is the Church that has pretty much stuck to it’s guns when it comes to calling Sin, Sin. All societies of man are in some way corrupt. All Churches and Denominations have skeletons in their closet, dark secrets they rather not admit. And much harm has been done in this world in the name of Christ. But all Christians owe a debt of gratitude and respect to the Roman Catholic Church and her early Church Fathers and Martyrs. I really need to spend some time blogging. I only steal a moment here or there and usually I am so tired I can not think straight, which is probably why I should blog, and visit some of my blog friends. I need to exercise my mind, to stretch it out some. Thanks to all those who still read and comment here, and to those who email their comments. Thanks to the prayers for praying.

Three Passing Thoughts

As I go through my menopause caused depression/crisis of faith...
And as I once again take on the challenge of teaching Indian Youth American History...
My tired mind wanders back into the RC vs Protestant camp - and a class I took last summer designed for teachers teaching the "minority" child in the Southwest - and the debate that ever echoes in my doubting mind...
In the doctrine of Personal Predestination and Foreknowledge, where does the Sanctity of Life fit in? Is there sanctity in the lives of those who are not called, not predestined? This doctrine led itself well to the concept of Manifest Destiny which at its darkest core believed it was God's will to wipe out the savage and claim his land for the White Anglo Saxon Protestant. Not to mention the idea of enslaveing those considered subhuman.
And in the invasion of Europeans...although greed and violence prevailed in all sectors - I still find it interesting that the Spanish Catholics built missions and the English Protestants built forts. Where the Spanish invaded we have the Mexicans. Where the Anglos invaded we have reservations. And then there are the French Canadians.
I've been accused of preaching revised history - but who but the victors write the History books? Anyway, all of this is too deep and too complex to ponder to over my morning coffee as the car warms up...just a few passing thoughts I didn't want to loose.

quick update

haven't sent the finished letter yet, but will do soon. to my commentor from Austrailia, you can email me at artandme@juno.com to continue the conversation. i'd be happy to hear from you again. a radio teacher asked the question yesterday, "are you stuck in the wilderness". to that i answer a resounding "yes". to my friend Wandering about NY, love to you and yours...
time to go to work. i'm a teacher and i love my job.

An in conclusion:

So my biggest question now is just where is He leading me? I’m willing to go where ever he leads, but in the view of recent developments, I realize I haven’t always been right about where exactly that was. Or is all this just really part of His perfect and predestined plan for my life?
I know this is very, very long. I’m not even sure who will be reading it, aside from my husband and the few readers of my blog. But it does seem to be helping me clear and organize my thoughts. So I think I will continue.
Summer of 1993 was the last time I saw my great aunt, the nun. At my father’s funeral.
We moved to Colorado - where Art’s mother was living, in 1994. We were pretty active in a Free Methodist Church, leading a Bible Study, Art volunteering as youth leader and me as children’s coordinator. And I was teaching in the Church school there. During our season there, Art had the opportunity to go on prayer journeys to Damascus and Tibet. Some of the elder’s were talking about helping Art start the process toward ordination but the senior pastor was not in favor of it.
In 1995 Art had to have emergency surgery, no insurance, no medical benefits, and 6 weeks out of work. That April, hardly healed, he went to a men’s retreat, where 2 of the Church leaders “ganged up” on him demanding to know why we weren’t tithing. They didn’t even seem to know about Art’s health problem. And we were tithing, but it was just my income and I was using cash because our finances were so strained due to medical expenses and our checks weren‘t very dependable. A few weeks later, Art was asked to step down as youth leader because he expressed concern that the Senior pastor was encouraging the youth to go to a mega church in the area where the norm was holy rolling, holy laughter, and even holy barking, all in the name of the Holy Spirit. And again, we moved on. To New Mexico. To pastor a small multi-cultural Free Methodist Church on the edge of the Navajo Reservation. And again, although the little church grew from 12 to 30 in 3 months, the Mission Board decided they needed a Native American Pastor. So we moved on. To serve as children’s coordinator and assistant pastor of the other Free Methodist Church in town. And again, the denomination decided to close the little church. So we had to move on. And we were offered the Open Bible Standard Church which was about to be closed down. We built it up, but our congregation was poor, and we couldn’t afford the upkeep of the church building, so the denomination sold it, and we became a home fellowship. And then…all hell broke loose.
Our little Church was pretty active. We fed the hungry, worked side by side with the rescue mission and Salvation Army. We participated in the local Passion Play. Pastor Art was part of the area Pastoral Prayer Group and the Four Corners Worship center. Even though the ministry was bringing in no money, we felt as if we were doing what the LORD wanted, our little Church was growing in wisdom and knowledge, and we were a part of the bigger, community of Churches. Until our first born son fell.
A secret, horrible sin became public. And people we thought were our friends turned their backs on him, and us. Our Church family was supportive. Our denomination was supportive, but they were centered in Denver, and we were all but alone in the Four Corners. We had a few old faithfuls, to pray with us. But the whole thing, the public humiliation, the bad press, our beloved boy going to prison for what in this day and age seems to be the unforgivable sin. And soon after this broke, our younger son’s wife had an affaire, and decided that she was not one of the Elect after all, that her sin was predestined. So she ran off with her lover, leaving our dear grandchildren with her parents and leaving our dear son broken and hopeless. We decided it was best to close our little church. To send our flock on to stronger, bigger Churches. We began to fellowship with an Assemblies of God church where we felt welcomed, where the word of God was preached faithfully, where one of our faithful friends led worship, and where we felt we could rest and be healed. Art did not want a position of leadership. He played percussion in the worship band and I taught children’s church 2 times a month and joined the dance team. Although it was a primarily Native American congregation, we felt part of the Church family as did my younger son and his children. Still, we weren’t very strong spiritually or emotionally. We were over sensitive and frustrated. I guess we felt we should be stronger, so we tried not to let our weakness show. We felt we should be able to help each other out of this funk we found ourselves in, why bother the pastor who had a flock to care for? We went to a small group for a while, but didn’t exactly agree with the teachings. We respected the teacher, and didn’t feel as if we had the authority to correct him and knew that if we were to express our opinion it would sound to the others argumentative. So we stopped attending. Eventually, we stopped going to the church altogether. The few times Art spoke up it seemed to offend or confuse the matter. Things were said, and like I stated, we were over sensitive and offended way too easily. We felt we were an unnecessary burden to the church and the pastor, so rather than attempting to work out our problems, we simply walked away.
I’ve been working on this letter for days. It’s Christmas Eve, and I am feeling so lonely. I need to hear the voice of my Father, my LORD. I need a vision, a sign, an angel visitation, at the very least, a friend. I want to play “Let’s Make a Deal” or lets throw a fleece. If you want me to be Catholic, fix the car so we can do Christmas. Should I pray to St. Nicolas for a Christmas miracle. Since I started this letter we made contact with a person who belongs to a church that is looking for a pastor. Is this a door opening or a chain rattling. I doubt very much a non-denominational church would hire a pastor who doesn’t believe in rapture or predestination.
Ah, there it is. The real crux of the matter. The doctrine that nearly killed me, and is killing me still. I understand that Augustine sort of laid the foundation of this doctrine, coming to the Faith with a Greek, fatalistic background. But I never, in my years as a Catholic, heard the teaching that God predestined who would be saved before time. That the stories of our lives were written before we were born. And only those elect, predestined by God, could be saved. Once I was “born again” that, and the trite saying “Once saved, always saved” didn’t set right with me. But I managed to avoid them. I loved Jesus. I loved His word. I loved worshiping Him.
At times I struggled with the concept of prayer. I could thank God, and Glorify His name, but if God knew all things, and His will would be done of course, why pray for things, for situations, for the sick or the lost. If God was going to heal them, He’d do it regardless of my feeble prayers. If, as my protestant friends were saying, only those elected and called by God, and who they were was foreknown by God, if only those would be saved, why pray for the salvation of my loved ones. Either they were or they weren’t. What did my prayers matter? Over the past year and a half, this became a very serious issue in my life.
My son sinned. It was a serous, grievous sin that affected many lives. He confessed, repented, and has been redeemed by the LORD, yet he is suffering the consequences of his sin, as are others, and the situation will never go away. So is this situation because he gave into temptation, and willfully did something he knew was wrong. Or is it part of God’s perfect, predestined plan for his life and the lives of his victims? That last statement sounds like foolishness to me. I always believed that God gave us a free will. Not just the illusion of having a choice, but a genuine choice. That God knew where each choice would lead, and He offered grace, guidance, mercy, to help us make the right choices. I believed that every human being created was precious to God, created in His image, and with a purpose. I believed that it was God’s will that each human seeks Him and find Him and surrender his will to Him. But that God left it up to us. God didn’t know what would be, just all the possibilities of what could be. Recently I was told that that line of thinking was Open Theism - a heresy. I’ve also been told that people like me, who don’t believe in predestination, don’t really believe in the Bible and don’t believe in the Sovereignty of God.
I’ve done some reading on Open Theism. I don’t think that quite fits my beliefs. I’ve read some of Wesley’s works. I’ve looked at some of Luther’s teaching. Boy, was he messed up. I’ve studied, with my husband, the book of Romans, and dug into the Greek and Hebrew, and the first century understanding of the Gospel, of the Scriptures. Before the Gnostics, before Augustine, before Protestantism. I have come to the conclusion, that everywhere predestination or election or the concept of the chosen was mentioned in the Old Testament, it referred to the Jewish nation. I believe that it was understood in the same way in the days of Christ, but since many of the Church fathers, and protestant leaders were very anti-jew, they couldn’t admit that it was talking about them, so they invented a whole new doctrine to explain predestination. I do believe that we are all predestined to salvation, it is God’s will for us, but that it is a choice we must make for ourselves. I’m writing this late, without the benefit of caffeine or my glasses. I am rambling, and probably not making myself clear, getting off the track, I’m sorry.
A colleague of mine killed herself about a year ago. She was a very beautiful, well educated woman, with two teen age children, and a husband who seemed to love her. No one that worked at her expected such a thing could happen. At her funeral I found out she was very active in her church, feeding the hungry, serving the communion cup on Sundays. I think predestination killed her. I know the circular type of thought. Life gets hard, depression sets in for what ever reason, hormones maybe, but the thought occurs. Am I really saved? Where is God when I need Him? If I am saved, then what ever I do won’t matter. If I am not saved, then what ever I do will not matter either. If I succeed in taking my own life, it is only what was predestined for me anyway. I’m only guessing, because I’ve had the same thoughts myself. But each time I got desperate, I’d cry out to the LORD and He’d whisper to my heart, Maryellen, you know better than that. That is not what I was taught from my youth. Nor was that what I read when I read the Word of God. As long as I read it with the understanding that God is Love and in Him is no darkness at all. As long as I asked myself, what did these words mean when they were written, before Augustine, Luther, Calvin, or Wesley tried to explain what they meant. The LORD is the same, yesterday and today…and His word stands firm. But what He meant when He, the Holy Spirit breathed the words into the pens of Isaiah, Moses, David, Paul etc - is still what He means…
Still, back to the question at hand. What about the Roman Catholic Church?
Since leaving the Assembly of God church last year, we have been attending an Episcopalian Church in the area. The priest there was born and raised in the same part of the world as my husband, and there has been a connection between the two of them since we moved here, about the same time as he and his family. Lately his church as been in crisis because of the situation in the Episcopalian denomination. He and most of his congregation have taken a strong Biblical stance against the increasingly liberal rulings and practices of the Bishops and leaders.
I have really enjoyed the liturgical services and especially receiving communion every week. There are so very few differences between the Anglican service and the Catholic Mass. I know the church started over the question of divorce and the authority of the Pope. Our priest is married and has a family. And Mary is not an issue there. But there are some Christians who would be as upset over the Episcopalian worship practices as they are with the Catholics. They have icons and statues in their church, candles and incense at their services, the priest is called Father and wears vestments. The saints, although not prayed to, are remembered on their feast days.
We’ve gone to their Christmas Eve services since moving to this area. This year, as I mentioned earlier, I didn’t think we’d be able to go, because of car trouble. I thought of walking to the Catholic Church in town, and called to see if they had a midnight Mass, but felt bad, because I knew, if I went there I wouldn’t, couldn’t take communion. The LORD provided a way for us to get to the Episcopalian church after all. So it is two days after Christmas. This letter is 8 pages long. And I still don’t know exactly what it’s purpose is. I heard a very good teaching on Mary and the Mary feast days in December on EWTN. I do think the protestant church should give her more attention. But is addressing her actually prayer, since prayer is communicating with God??? And why does the Church think it is important to believe that after the birth of Jesus she remained a virgin? It sounds prudish to me, like saying that sex is a sin, even within the sacrament of marriage and Mary remained pure. Are other mothers impure? I can accept the assumption, and even the immaculate conception. Does what I can or cannot accept make any difference at all? I can not accept the doctrine of predestination. What did Mary mean when she gave the rosary and said it was proof of predestination? I do not accept the doctrine of divine election. Why would a loving God allow babies to be born if he knew full well that their destiny was a devil’s hell? But does it matter what I believe? What I believe or accept or do not accept does not affect ultimate truth. And truth is not a concept to be accepted or not accepted. Truth is a person, to be loved or not loved. And I do love Jesus. But as I stand right now, am I damned? If it is true that to rejoin the Catholic Church I’d have to go to confession, get my first marriage annulled, and accept the Marion doctrine - does that mean that if I don’t do that stuff, I’m bound for hell? Does the fact that I cannot accept predestination or election in the way that it is presented by most protestant churches, mean that I am rejecting the teachings of the Bible and therefore the God of the Bible, and therefore am not truly Christian, although I confess faith in Jesus and His cross? I’ve even read that people who believe like I do are actually working for the enemy. And those words were written by a teacher in a church I used to attend. Ok, so now it’s nine pages lone, single spaced. And I still don’t know…And I want to know. Like that time, 28 years ago, when I called out - “I don’t even know your name”. A new year is beginning. Although I’m feeling pretty old right now, I could well have another 28 years of life ahead of me. I want to make the best of them. I want to live them for the LORD. I want to make wise choices and walk down the right paths.
Lead me, not into temptation, but deliver me from evil…protect me from the evil one.
I guess, on that note I will close. And wait. And see.
The lazy time between Christmas and New Years…time off from School…quiet time, warm and cozy time…I’ll just wait. And watch. And pray

The continuing saga...

I knew I'd get some interesting comments on the last blog, if I dared to publish is. I think I will send this on to the priest in Albuquerque when it's done...but until then, if anyone is interested...here is part 2
We were married on New Year’s Eve, by a Baptist minister in Colorado Springs, and 8 months later our first son was born. We were self-proclaimed Christians, but did not belong to any church. We prayed, read scripture, listened to Christian radio and watched Bob Schuler on Sunday Mornings. Eventually the LORD led us back to my home town, Rochester, NY, where we became members of the United Methodist Church my father and his third wife were attending. It was a wonderful Church, where we grew in faith and knowledge. It was a multicultural and intergenerational Church with an old time preacher, a classically trained choir director, and plenty of old saints who took us under their wing, teaching us to pray, understand the Bible, and to seek first the Kingdom of God. Our two sons were baptized there, as was my husband. My little family grew up there. Spiritually and emotionally. The church was our family, our purpose in life. It was there that Art heard the call of the LORD to go into ministry. In 1988 we both graduated from Roberts Wesleyan College, Art with a degree in Religion and Philosophy and me with a degree in Elementary Education. But the United Methodist Denomination was becoming more and more liberal in their beliefs. And Art, who had been seeking ordination as a UM minister was told he could not continue in the process, when he blatantly declared to the ordination board that he believed homosexuality and abortion was a sin. For the next few years, I taught first grade at an interdenominational Christian school, and Art worked at a homeless shelter, attending a Free Methodist Church and seeking the will of the LORD for our lives. More than once Art had conflicts with Pastors and leaders of Para-church organizations because he would call them on certain Biblical issues. God language, tolerance of sin, letting a Jehovah Witness teach Sunday school in a Christian church, not allowing the use of the Bible when counseling people in an agency that called itself Christian but was funded by state funds. One time, a guest speaker at a Church we were visiting spoke a word of prophesy over us. Something about refiner’s fire. That we would be rejected by people we trusted, and hurt by pastors and friends alike, but that these trials would actually be coming from God who was preparing us for a great work.
His words rang true when we heard them, and have proved pretty true over the years.
Once, when the Pope was visiting Denver, Colorado Art watched all the pomp on TV and llistened intently to his speech to the youth. He commented how refreshing it would be to belong to a Church where the leader wasn’t compromising on basic issues. Who called sin sin and Jesus LORD - the only Way. But, still there was the issue of Mary and the Saints and the idea that the Church was infallible. At least Art conceded that Catholics were indeed Christians. And this idea led to several heated discussions with other Christians who believed that the Roman Church was the great Harlot, and anyone within her walls was deceived. Should they actually find Jesus there, they would surely be led by the Holy Spirit to leave, and expose its faults to the world.
Art is quite a scholar. Although he only has a BA, he has kept up his Greek and Hebrew, and has continued to study, reading everything from Augustine to Wesley. At Roberts we had several excellent professors, mostly Wesleyan, one Messianic Rabbi, and at one of the Churches we attended, we took college level classes in Bible and Theology. Seeking earnestly Wisdom and Knowledge and the Will of the LORD in our lives.
I think now, perhaps we took some wrong turns along the way. I know now we made some mistakes in the rearing of our sons, in the career choices we made, in the risks we took and the paths we didn’t follow. But as we prayed our way through our lives, we did sincerely try to “seek first the kingdom of God” and “ trust in the LORD with all our hearts, lean not on our own understanding, and believe that He would make our paths straight” Be not wise in your own eyes.
We’ve been married 27 years. Over the years we have lived in Rochester, NY (13 years), Denver Colorado (Aurora and Littleton specifically - 5 years), New Mexico (the four corners region - 9 years). We’ve been active members of the United Methodist Church, Free Methodist churches in NY and Colorado, and Assemblies of God. Art has been an assistant pastor in a United Methodist Church, Free Methodist Church, and senior pastor in a Free Methodist Church and Open Bible Standard Church. We’ve taught Sunday School, workshops on the dangers of the Occult, I’ve coordinated VBSs, Children’s Church, Summer Camp Programs for the Salvation Army and Free Methodist
I’m not writing a resume, or blowing my own horn. None of our “ministries” have been very successful or long lasting. Art’s emphasis has been prayer, study and worship. My emphasis has always been children and youth. The last 5 years have been the darkest, most hopeless years of our lives. And the only light I see in the distance is burning in the Roman Catholic church. Could it be possible after all this, Catholicism is where I’ll end up? One of my sons, who is cynical and claims the Jewish blood that my German ancestors and Art’s Russian ancestors denied for many years, while still believing in Jesus and the Holy Bible, can hold his own in any debate, argues that Catholics are just as Christian as any other so called Christian group, but all have strayed far from the 1st Century Church and Jewish understanding of the Gospel. The other of my sons, an ex-con, registered felon, who has strong faith in the Jesus of the Bible, had some bad experience with the Catholic ministry in the prison system and says he can’t trust any church that says it’s the one True Church, also knows it to be true, that Catholics can be just as Christian as any other Christian in any other church. Funny how that one statement gets a rise out of so many non-Catholic believers. I was once told by a Christian friend that the Catholic Church teaches a false Christ. Yet the Jesus I believe in now is the very same Jesus, born of a virgin, worker of miracles, second Person of the Blessed Trinity, Died on a Cross, Resurrected on the third day, coming again (soon LORD please) to judge the living and the dead…the same Jesus every teacher in my Catholic schools taught me about. Well, you may read on if you are holding these many pages in your hand. If I blog this, you’ll have to take a break - as I must make an early morning run to the LaundryMatt. I think I’ll take my “Catholic” Bible with me and read some psalms while I wash my clothes and wait for the sun to rise.

True Confessions of an old tired woman...

whose interested anyway?
but it's my blog and I'll ramble if I want to...
Where to start?
Why I am writing this…
I was born and raised a Catholic. Graduated from St. Agnes High School in Rochester NY (class of 1970) with an award for Excellence in Theology. Fell away from the faith. Fell away hard. Was “born again” in 1979, married a Catholic hating Christian. Now, many years later I am living in Farmington, NM. My husband (an licensed minister with Open Bible Standard Churches) drives a propane truck across the Navajo Reservation and the only radio station he picks up is Catholic. We’ve been listening to it a lot actually, and watching EWTN as well. And I heard about your organization on the Radio, my confirmation name is Bernadette, and I guess you could say, I’m feeling compelled to write. In all honesty, I can’t believe I am even remotely considering going back to the Catholic Church. Perhaps the compulsion is a result of my great aunts prayer. It was her prayers which brought me safely into this world. And although we have been out of touch since I moved away from Rochester, I just found out that on November 18th she celebrated her 100th birthday at the St. Joseph Mother House. Aunt Gertrude has been a nun, a sister of St. Joseph for most of her life, being brought up in a Catholic orphanage and taking vows in her teens.
I guess I’ll start with her. My mother converted to Catholicism when she was 14. She married my father just after she turned 17, an Italian/German Catholic. They were much too young to get married. My mom got pregnant right away, but was told at 7 months that I was going to be still born due to the RH factor in her blood. They suggested terminating the pregnancy because if I were to begin to decompose within her womb it would kill her.
My father’s aunt, Sr. Theresa Clair, counseled my mother not to let them take me, and called her friends together in the convent to pray for me. I was born, without complications on February 11, 1952 and was named Mary Ellen. I was born a month before my mother’s 18 birthday. As I said, my parents were way to young to get married, my mother was a stubborn woman and my father had a hot temper. By the time I was 4 years old, their marriage was over and I was living with my paternal grandparents who raised me Catholic and saw to it that I received a Parochial education.
Unlike some of my “born again” counter parts, I have no horror stories about Catholic schools, no negative Catholic memories. I have always been grateful for the fine education I received, and for the foundation of faith that was laid.
Upon graduating from high school (remember the award for Excellence in Theology), I attended a community college, remained active in my church, joined the Newman Society at school, and in 1972 I married a young man who had been adopted into a Catholic family and also educated in Catholic Schools. We were married in a Catholic Church.
But shortly after the wedding the emotional and sexual abuse began. He forced me to watch hard core pornography, and in the four years that we were married, he actually “made love” to me less than 10 times, preferring unnatural sex. I decided to leave him, hoping that once I was gone, he would come to his senses and we would be able to work things out. Although I had stopped going to church, I had not stopped praying, and I decided to go to a friend of ours, a priest, whose name I don’t recall, pastor at Holy something church in Charlotte, NY I think. I told my husband I was going. He was already living with and sleeping with a friend of mine, but he said he’d go with me. We sat in Father’s office and I spilled out my heart. Then I was asked to go into the other room so Father and my husband could talk. After that, I was called back in and Father told me that he had wanted to talk to him privately because he surmised that I was exaggerating and he wanted to hear his side of the story. After having my whole story confirmed, the priest asked me why I had stayed with him for so long. I said it was because I had vowed to stay, for better or for worse, until death do us part. He said that I would have no trouble getting an annulment from the Church and he would begin the proceedings as soon as I said. But I said not to bother, that I’d never get married again anyway, and that I felt God was letting me down because the Bible, Jesus says, that whatever we asked according to His will he would give us, and I wanted our marriage restored not annulled. When I walked out of that office, I walked away from the Church too, feeling angry and rejected by God.
And the down hill spiral began, faster and faster I fell.
God hated divorce. Even if I found a decent man, it would still, according to Scripture be adultery. A piece of paper wouldn’t change that. Prayer didn’t work.
But I was always a very spiritual person, so I started looking for truth, enlightenment in other places. This “good” little Catholic girl sought after false gods and goddesses, took mind altering drugs as if they were sacraments, and allowed herself to be talked into murdering her unborn child because it wasn’t a convenient time. You can’t kill a living soul, I was told, we’re simply asking it to go back and wait until we are ready. I knew it was a sin, I hated myself for doing it, I remember sitting on the edge of the procedure table feeling as if every angel in heaven was trying to pull me out of the room. I remember hearing the doctor saying at the end, “from the pieces of the fetus we found…”
In 1979, I was alone and meditating. I had been disillusioned by all the other paths I tried to follow. I had encountered a group of followers of Wicca who were, I told them, “just as hypocritical as any Christian I’ve ever met.” But I was so alone and so hungry for the truth. I called out to the light from a single candle, “I don’t even know your name” and I heard the answer, deep in my soul, all around me in my solitude. “What do you mean you don’t know my name? I am Jesus. The same Jesus you prayed to as a little girl, and I’ve been waiting all this time for you to come home.”
I came back to Jesus. But I couldn’t go back to the Church. As I think about it, there are 3 main reasons I didn’t just go find a priest. The first was Mary. When I was in my early teens, my mother’s second husband was a Charismatic, Catholic Hating, Alcoholic who showed me in the Bible where we were only supposed to have one intercessor, and equated the worship of Mary and the Saints to the worship of false gods and goddesses. I did bring up the question to my religious instructors but didn’t quite understand their answer. It seemed to me then that it was definitely anti Biblical. After all I had been through, I didn’t want to deal with the question of Mary and the Saints. Besides I had a ton of mortal sins under my belt, and going back to Roman Catholicism was going to be awfully complicated. I had tried once, before the abortion, before leaving Rochester, to go to confession. I went to a church where no one knew me, and I watched for the youngest looking priest. After my confession, he gave me a short lecture about how I was damned to hell and if I had died before going to confession I would have surely skipped purgatory and gone strait to hell. Then he told me to say 5 Hail Mary’s and 5 Our Fathers and all would be forgiven. It seemed like nonsense to me. Like saying some magic words over and over again would break a curse. The idea of Mary and Confession and the burden of a failed marriage, kept me out of the Church. At the time I had two Christian friends, neither Catholic. And shortly after my encounter with Jesus, I met the man who is currently my husband. As I stated earlier, he used to be seriously anti-Catholic, thinking of the church as the Great Harlot of Revelation. So I became an Evangelical, Bible studying, Born Again Christian. I felt closer to Jesus than I had ever felt before. I was active in the church. Gosh this letter is getting too long.
Bless you, whoever you are, if you are sticking to this. Perhaps this is being written just for my own welfare. But it is Sunday morning, and I haven’t even had my first cup of coffee, and I need to get ready for Church…I’m gonna take a break. But it won’t seem that way to you dear reader, whoever you are…maybe I’ll just post this on my blog. Then my “Christian” readers will start to pray for me that I don’t continue with this foolish idea of returning to the Catholic church. Hummm, I wonder, whose prayers are stronger. Because I’m pretty sure that good old aunt Gertrude is still praying for me.