For Crying Out Loud...

now that's a funny little statement isn't it?
so early yesterday morning I went on a prayer walk. we were at an event, sort of like a camp meeting, and unless you have been to the southwest, I don't think you could imagine the vastness, the bleak beauty, or the quiet of the place I was walking in. It's not at all like a walk in the woods, or a walk along a stream or on the shore of a lake. I felt very small, and very much alone, as if I walked too far I would simply disappear.
I was having a good conversation with the Creator. The night before the pastor who preached started out asking if God had ever called us to a place, and we went thinking that we knew why we were going, only to find out that God's plan was totally different than ours. (My thoughts are not your thoughts, My ways are not your ways). He ended the evening's message with the reminder - God never forsakes His elect.
His main text was Isaiah 61. The same text that was prayed over us when we became a part of Open Bible Standard Churches. We have revisited that particular section of scripture several times since moving to this part of the world. And that chapter always brings to mind the same image, the same vision. especailly verse 4 - Then they will rebuild the ancient ruins, they will raise up the former devatations and they will repair the ruined cities, the desolations of many generations. I read that and I see the "Mission". When we were first called to the four corners it was to pastor a small multi-cultural church on the American Indian Bible Ministries complex.
It was an old mission on the edge of Farmington, New Mexico just before the Navajo Reservation. It had been established in 1952 - the year I was born. There was no salary, and only temporary housing offered, but we believed this was where we were we meant to be. I fell inlove with the place and with the people. The church was our responsibility and the mission was under a different board, but we worked closely together. However, after 6 months that part of the adventure was over. having to leave that place was extremely painful. there was a terrible feeling of failure, rejection, betrayal and why in the world had we given up home and friends to come out here? Since then, many times, I have had a sense that we would go back there someday, and that would be the place that we were "do" Isaiah 61.
It was in my mind again yesterday morning as I walked in the desert, among the scrub oak and catus.
This spring we got scammed. Shortly after we started blogging we got an email from Sussan Chirs, a lonely widow dying of cancer, a born again Christian in a muslem country, asking for prayer - and a place to leave her large inheritance so that it could be used for God's work. Yeah, we knew it was a scam, but i wrote back. What if she really was sick and alone. At least I could offer her prayer and a word of encouragement. In four weeks time, she signed her inheritance over to us, sent us copies of legal documents and bank statements, died, and then the lawyer asked for money. We didn't send it. We had a friend very savoy in internet and international finances who exposed the scam. End of story. But for 4 weeks we enjoyed the "what if..."
We figured we would tithe to three places. Our Denomination, the church we are currently attending, and Passion Play International - a ministry we have been working very closely with for the past 8 years. We'd get our personal finances in order. And we'd try to buy the "mission"
Although some ministry is still going on there, it is not being used to it's best potential and the place is in disrepair. It's location is stratigic to this area, and there is room to expand.
But it was just a silly dream.
And so I asked the Creator, the King of the universe, just why He had brought us to this place.
and I remembered the end of the message - God will never forsake His elect. And I started to cry. Not tears of joy, I was not feeling comforted by those words that I believe the pastor to shared to give comfort and hope. I was feeling foresaken.
Logic - simple logic.
If there is an Elect few, predestined for salvation, and God never forsakes His elect, and I am forsaken, then logically it follows, I am not one of the elect. That is a very scary thought when you are alone in the desert and you are crying so hard you can't catch your breath and no one in the world even knows where you are. What was God's plan for us? Did he lead us here so that we could fail at an other ministry, so that our faith and our family could be shaken to the core, so that one of my dear sons would fall into the darkest of sins, and his brother, seeing how easy it is to fall and how christians treat other christians when someone does fall - well he just sits there reading his Bible saying, what does any of it matter...what's going to happens happens and we can't do anything about it, neither can God. This was God's predestined plan for our lives? Some plan. Sickness and death would have been better than this.
That is why I've been fighting so hard against this Sovereignty of God. This idea that God calls an elect few. That he knows. Can you see the loving Jesus of the gospels, walking through a maternity ward, looking at a bunch of new borns, saying - this one is a rapist, this one is a drug addict, this one will kill a family in a drunk driving accident - this one will die of aides - this one will molest a child - this one will be molested, this one will get into heaven, all the rest - well, have fun kids...no matter how you try to color this picture with theology and doctrine, if the reformed view of the Sovereignty of God upon which most protestant theology is based is true, then that is the god that Christians are suppposed to believe in. One who creates some people to burn in hell, and to make life hell on earth for other people while they are alive. There is no way that that is a loving god.
The best explaination of what I believe about the all knowingness of God comes from one of my commentors who is a self proclaimed pagan. Boy does that make me nervous. He wrote this:
Free will is only free will if we can make one of two choices. If there is no possibility that we will make any but one of the choices it is not free will, it is illusion. If God knows every choice we will make ahead of time, then what we will "choose" is pre-ordained. This is not free will. If it was as such, you would have no need to suggest I do good works, since my decision to do so would only be an illusion.This is not so. We have choices. When we make them, God knows why we made the decision. This doesn't mean he knew that we would. God knows all of the possibilities, but leaves it up to us to do as he would have us do. If we don't, he re-orchestrates so the plan can come into fruition. Your life is not being micro-managed by God. You are being watched, your deeds are being recorded, but they are your choices. True choices that none including you know for certain you will make until they are made. The only way that God could know what your decisions would be without robbing your right to free will would be if he existed completely outside of your world, such that he had no impact. If he was only an observer. He is not. God plays in the game beside you whether his presence is acknowledged or not.
And as I was crying out all these things, I started to come to a conclusion. If I'm not one of the elect, why am I still playing this game? If I have been forsaken by God from before time, and my destiny is hell, then whats the use? Why not just have fun for the 20 years or so that I might have left. No, why not seek out another source of power and have more than just fun, I almost had it once, before this Jesus stuff got in the way. And I've been doing the Jesus thing for 25 years and it hasn't worked...I could at least try the other way...but then every once of my self screamed NO! and no one heard me but the Creator. that conclusion is not TRUE, that is the enemy trying to finally, completely destroy me...
so i headed back to the camp, i needed a cup of coffee, i listened for a song to come into my mind,
"this is the day of your deliverance..." yeah that would be nice
i recited Matthew 6:9-13 a few times to calm me down. i could blame my red eyes on allergies, the dust out here has been really blowing.
but then, after breakfast and a good morning session, my period started (sorry guys for sharing more than you wanted to hear - but it's something no 53 year old woman should have to endure) and we left early and got a speeding ticket on the way home...
we went to bed early, and Art asked "why do we even bother?"
and I still don't know the answer.