Teach Me to Number My Days...

During last night's worship service, I was very close to just giving up
Two songs have been going thru my head over the past week...
or at least parts of the songs
Every blessing you pour out, I'll turn back in praise...if...You give and take away, You give and take away, and still my heart will say, blessed be Your holy name!
and
from a stupid minivan commercial, a voice from the past,
dust in the wind...don't hang on...all we are is dust in the wind
is that from the book of JOB too?
I read the book of Job today, and then I went on line and read some commentaries on it.
The Talmud says that Moses wrote it.
One scholar said "unless the Book of Job first unsettles us deeply it cannot open its riches to us."
I'm not sure it is a good book for someone who is already unsettled to read.
Funny after chapter two, where Job declares that he will bless the name of the LORD, he spends a great time wishing he were dead. I can relate.
Sunday Morning's sermon was on Psalm 91. During the Christmas season, a friend prayed that Psalm over us and our home and family. I revisit it often.
The pastor was preaching about having a peaceful retreat where we could hide in the shadow of His wings, when we were feeling "Troubled in Spirit, Confused, and Frustrated"
That's me in a nut shell, or so I wrote in my prayer journal.
He encouraged us, our troubles would not distroy us, they will not effect God's love for us...
but then he said
"Job repented after questioning God's sovereignty" and I cringed.
God's Sovereignty.
That God knew, That God planned, That God allowed...
all this tells me is that God is rattling my chains...and nothing I do really matters.
nothing anyone does matters...
back to the question I asked on this blog site months ago.
why pray?
How do I ignor the first two chapters of Job. How do I accept them?
Job was righteous. That's what it says.
God was mean. That's how it seems.
"Let's play a game at Job's expense."
I am not righteous, or blameless. Hear me sigh.
At the end of the evening service I felt a little better.
God reminded me of something He had spoken into my heart in January.
I was at the alter, crying for my sons, and my grand children, and the bleak future...
God "said" not to worry about my family situation, that my sons and my grandchildren were in His hands. He was working it all out. My focus was to be on the students He had entrusted to my care. I was to pray for their salvation. It was a good reminder since I go back to work next week.
He also "said" that as He was working things out, things might get shaken up a bit, and not to panic when things started to shake.
That helped. The pastor's message that God loves Sinners helped. Maybe my prodical son will be welcome in this particular fellowship of believers inspite of his very public, much dispised sin.
It is Monday, and I spent the first 2 hours of my day reading JOB.
Tomorrow is Worship/Dance team practice. That is good.
Wednesday I might go to the Bible Study. They are doing the book of John, and I like the book of John. But the teacher and I don't always see eye to eye. And that ol' Sovereignty of God issue is bound to come up, which has really been getting to me lately.
Thursday a Women's group just started. I went last week, and was actually deemed "the quiet one". I am never the quiet one. But two of the women were sharing about how they were molested as children. That is a very sensitive topic for me.
Friday the church is going camping in the mountains. I really REALLY want to go, but I'm not sure about gas money. I have a big collection of DVD's I'm planning to take into town to sell.
But will it be enough to pay the phone bill, buy a Bible for my new daughter-in-law's birthday, and buy enough gas for the camping trip (not to mention bug spray and a dish to pass)?
No matter. Life goes on.