March 14, 2007
It is 8:22 am, Daylight Savings Time, in Shiprock, NM. I’ve actually been looking forward today. State testing is done at school and I have the day off. We will take a nice, scenic drive to Durango, Colorado where I will have a biopsy on my kidney.
Strange things unfolding these days. Strange and confusing thoughts racing through this old brain of mine.
I have no idea who actually reads these ramblings and who cares. My sisters and best friend usually don’t. There is the Wanderer, and Stephanie the teacher. An Australian peer, a Japanese invalid, a pre-Vatican II Catholic, and a Biblical Fanatic have stopped by on occasion. I haven’t had much of a chance to go blogging myself. We have a nice new computer now, so maybe over spring break - if I’m not in the hospital having my kidney removed, I’ll get some time in hubby’s office to catch up with some old blogger friends and make some new ones.
I am still in the midst of the Roman Catholic conundrum. In my three part essay and my history as a Christian and why I am even considering returning to the Roman Catholic Faith, I noted that according to the CHURCH, since I once knew the whole truth and then turned my back on it, I am headed to hell.
I am adamant not to let fear of hell be the deciding factor in my decision. Not that I don’t believe in it, but God is Love and Jesus is Truth and perfect love and truth casts out fear…not exactly a quote, but you get the point.
I have realized that I never actually made a thought out choice to leave the Catholic church. I never really considered the ramifications of it. When I said yes to Jesus, in the summer of 1979, I was saying yes to the Person, not a church, and it took me quite a while to settle into a church. At this point in my life, if I don’t go back to the Catholic Church it will be a conscious decision not to, after considering the options and consequences.
So, yesterday - a new element was thrown into the mix. One of the radio preachers I wake up to was on a severe anti-catholic rant. And he actually said that people who were following the teachings of the Roman Catholic Church were following a lie and bound for hell. What’s that saying? Damned if I do and Damned if I don’t.
Which, in the light of the fact that I could possibly have a fatal disease, and I’m not sure I have the emotional strength to fight it if I do, is an interesting concept. I could have the answer to my question soon. And then it might be too late. Yet, still there is no fear.
Another thing I have realized is that the main reason we settled into the churches we settled into were relational not theological. We did leave churches because of theological issues, because we disagreed with certain doctrines or practices and rather than cause a fuss or shake anyone’s faith, we tried to walk quietly away. There were a couple of major conflicts, divorces of sort, when the leaving was very painful. And a few times when leaving was failure. How many times? How many churches? I can’t take the time to sort it all out just now. But the point is that there is no relationship now to guide us to a Church. No relationship except with the LORD. And perhaps it bothers me, just a little, to have no church family and no church to celebrate my passing, if I pass on.
I thought, what would my friends say if I went home to the Catholic Church. Then I thought, what friends? Sad isn’t it? I have one best friend, 2000 miles away, and my husband, some colleagues, a nice neighbor, some casual friends, but very few people that I feel really close to. Perhaps that is why I blog. For that sense of community. Oh well, it is time to get on with my day. It is a lovely spring day. The sparrows are chirping, a warm wind is blowing, the sun is shining. I’m all washed up and ready to go. Until next time, I am always and only M.E.