An in conclusion:

So my biggest question now is just where is He leading me? I’m willing to go where ever he leads, but in the view of recent developments, I realize I haven’t always been right about where exactly that was. Or is all this just really part of His perfect and predestined plan for my life?
I know this is very, very long. I’m not even sure who will be reading it, aside from my husband and the few readers of my blog. But it does seem to be helping me clear and organize my thoughts. So I think I will continue.
Summer of 1993 was the last time I saw my great aunt, the nun. At my father’s funeral.
We moved to Colorado - where Art’s mother was living, in 1994. We were pretty active in a Free Methodist Church, leading a Bible Study, Art volunteering as youth leader and me as children’s coordinator. And I was teaching in the Church school there. During our season there, Art had the opportunity to go on prayer journeys to Damascus and Tibet. Some of the elder’s were talking about helping Art start the process toward ordination but the senior pastor was not in favor of it.
In 1995 Art had to have emergency surgery, no insurance, no medical benefits, and 6 weeks out of work. That April, hardly healed, he went to a men’s retreat, where 2 of the Church leaders “ganged up” on him demanding to know why we weren’t tithing. They didn’t even seem to know about Art’s health problem. And we were tithing, but it was just my income and I was using cash because our finances were so strained due to medical expenses and our checks weren‘t very dependable. A few weeks later, Art was asked to step down as youth leader because he expressed concern that the Senior pastor was encouraging the youth to go to a mega church in the area where the norm was holy rolling, holy laughter, and even holy barking, all in the name of the Holy Spirit. And again, we moved on. To New Mexico. To pastor a small multi-cultural Free Methodist Church on the edge of the Navajo Reservation. And again, although the little church grew from 12 to 30 in 3 months, the Mission Board decided they needed a Native American Pastor. So we moved on. To serve as children’s coordinator and assistant pastor of the other Free Methodist Church in town. And again, the denomination decided to close the little church. So we had to move on. And we were offered the Open Bible Standard Church which was about to be closed down. We built it up, but our congregation was poor, and we couldn’t afford the upkeep of the church building, so the denomination sold it, and we became a home fellowship. And then…all hell broke loose.
Our little Church was pretty active. We fed the hungry, worked side by side with the rescue mission and Salvation Army. We participated in the local Passion Play. Pastor Art was part of the area Pastoral Prayer Group and the Four Corners Worship center. Even though the ministry was bringing in no money, we felt as if we were doing what the LORD wanted, our little Church was growing in wisdom and knowledge, and we were a part of the bigger, community of Churches. Until our first born son fell.
A secret, horrible sin became public. And people we thought were our friends turned their backs on him, and us. Our Church family was supportive. Our denomination was supportive, but they were centered in Denver, and we were all but alone in the Four Corners. We had a few old faithfuls, to pray with us. But the whole thing, the public humiliation, the bad press, our beloved boy going to prison for what in this day and age seems to be the unforgivable sin. And soon after this broke, our younger son’s wife had an affaire, and decided that she was not one of the Elect after all, that her sin was predestined. So she ran off with her lover, leaving our dear grandchildren with her parents and leaving our dear son broken and hopeless. We decided it was best to close our little church. To send our flock on to stronger, bigger Churches. We began to fellowship with an Assemblies of God church where we felt welcomed, where the word of God was preached faithfully, where one of our faithful friends led worship, and where we felt we could rest and be healed. Art did not want a position of leadership. He played percussion in the worship band and I taught children’s church 2 times a month and joined the dance team. Although it was a primarily Native American congregation, we felt part of the Church family as did my younger son and his children. Still, we weren’t very strong spiritually or emotionally. We were over sensitive and frustrated. I guess we felt we should be stronger, so we tried not to let our weakness show. We felt we should be able to help each other out of this funk we found ourselves in, why bother the pastor who had a flock to care for? We went to a small group for a while, but didn’t exactly agree with the teachings. We respected the teacher, and didn’t feel as if we had the authority to correct him and knew that if we were to express our opinion it would sound to the others argumentative. So we stopped attending. Eventually, we stopped going to the church altogether. The few times Art spoke up it seemed to offend or confuse the matter. Things were said, and like I stated, we were over sensitive and offended way too easily. We felt we were an unnecessary burden to the church and the pastor, so rather than attempting to work out our problems, we simply walked away.
I’ve been working on this letter for days. It’s Christmas Eve, and I am feeling so lonely. I need to hear the voice of my Father, my LORD. I need a vision, a sign, an angel visitation, at the very least, a friend. I want to play “Let’s Make a Deal” or lets throw a fleece. If you want me to be Catholic, fix the car so we can do Christmas. Should I pray to St. Nicolas for a Christmas miracle. Since I started this letter we made contact with a person who belongs to a church that is looking for a pastor. Is this a door opening or a chain rattling. I doubt very much a non-denominational church would hire a pastor who doesn’t believe in rapture or predestination.
Ah, there it is. The real crux of the matter. The doctrine that nearly killed me, and is killing me still. I understand that Augustine sort of laid the foundation of this doctrine, coming to the Faith with a Greek, fatalistic background. But I never, in my years as a Catholic, heard the teaching that God predestined who would be saved before time. That the stories of our lives were written before we were born. And only those elect, predestined by God, could be saved. Once I was “born again” that, and the trite saying “Once saved, always saved” didn’t set right with me. But I managed to avoid them. I loved Jesus. I loved His word. I loved worshiping Him.
At times I struggled with the concept of prayer. I could thank God, and Glorify His name, but if God knew all things, and His will would be done of course, why pray for things, for situations, for the sick or the lost. If God was going to heal them, He’d do it regardless of my feeble prayers. If, as my protestant friends were saying, only those elected and called by God, and who they were was foreknown by God, if only those would be saved, why pray for the salvation of my loved ones. Either they were or they weren’t. What did my prayers matter? Over the past year and a half, this became a very serious issue in my life.
My son sinned. It was a serous, grievous sin that affected many lives. He confessed, repented, and has been redeemed by the LORD, yet he is suffering the consequences of his sin, as are others, and the situation will never go away. So is this situation because he gave into temptation, and willfully did something he knew was wrong. Or is it part of God’s perfect, predestined plan for his life and the lives of his victims? That last statement sounds like foolishness to me. I always believed that God gave us a free will. Not just the illusion of having a choice, but a genuine choice. That God knew where each choice would lead, and He offered grace, guidance, mercy, to help us make the right choices. I believed that every human being created was precious to God, created in His image, and with a purpose. I believed that it was God’s will that each human seeks Him and find Him and surrender his will to Him. But that God left it up to us. God didn’t know what would be, just all the possibilities of what could be. Recently I was told that that line of thinking was Open Theism - a heresy. I’ve also been told that people like me, who don’t believe in predestination, don’t really believe in the Bible and don’t believe in the Sovereignty of God.
I’ve done some reading on Open Theism. I don’t think that quite fits my beliefs. I’ve read some of Wesley’s works. I’ve looked at some of Luther’s teaching. Boy, was he messed up. I’ve studied, with my husband, the book of Romans, and dug into the Greek and Hebrew, and the first century understanding of the Gospel, of the Scriptures. Before the Gnostics, before Augustine, before Protestantism. I have come to the conclusion, that everywhere predestination or election or the concept of the chosen was mentioned in the Old Testament, it referred to the Jewish nation. I believe that it was understood in the same way in the days of Christ, but since many of the Church fathers, and protestant leaders were very anti-jew, they couldn’t admit that it was talking about them, so they invented a whole new doctrine to explain predestination. I do believe that we are all predestined to salvation, it is God’s will for us, but that it is a choice we must make for ourselves. I’m writing this late, without the benefit of caffeine or my glasses. I am rambling, and probably not making myself clear, getting off the track, I’m sorry.
A colleague of mine killed herself about a year ago. She was a very beautiful, well educated woman, with two teen age children, and a husband who seemed to love her. No one that worked at her expected such a thing could happen. At her funeral I found out she was very active in her church, feeding the hungry, serving the communion cup on Sundays. I think predestination killed her. I know the circular type of thought. Life gets hard, depression sets in for what ever reason, hormones maybe, but the thought occurs. Am I really saved? Where is God when I need Him? If I am saved, then what ever I do won’t matter. If I am not saved, then what ever I do will not matter either. If I succeed in taking my own life, it is only what was predestined for me anyway. I’m only guessing, because I’ve had the same thoughts myself. But each time I got desperate, I’d cry out to the LORD and He’d whisper to my heart, Maryellen, you know better than that. That is not what I was taught from my youth. Nor was that what I read when I read the Word of God. As long as I read it with the understanding that God is Love and in Him is no darkness at all. As long as I asked myself, what did these words mean when they were written, before Augustine, Luther, Calvin, or Wesley tried to explain what they meant. The LORD is the same, yesterday and today…and His word stands firm. But what He meant when He, the Holy Spirit breathed the words into the pens of Isaiah, Moses, David, Paul etc - is still what He means…
Still, back to the question at hand. What about the Roman Catholic Church?
Since leaving the Assembly of God church last year, we have been attending an Episcopalian Church in the area. The priest there was born and raised in the same part of the world as my husband, and there has been a connection between the two of them since we moved here, about the same time as he and his family. Lately his church as been in crisis because of the situation in the Episcopalian denomination. He and most of his congregation have taken a strong Biblical stance against the increasingly liberal rulings and practices of the Bishops and leaders.
I have really enjoyed the liturgical services and especially receiving communion every week. There are so very few differences between the Anglican service and the Catholic Mass. I know the church started over the question of divorce and the authority of the Pope. Our priest is married and has a family. And Mary is not an issue there. But there are some Christians who would be as upset over the Episcopalian worship practices as they are with the Catholics. They have icons and statues in their church, candles and incense at their services, the priest is called Father and wears vestments. The saints, although not prayed to, are remembered on their feast days.
We’ve gone to their Christmas Eve services since moving to this area. This year, as I mentioned earlier, I didn’t think we’d be able to go, because of car trouble. I thought of walking to the Catholic Church in town, and called to see if they had a midnight Mass, but felt bad, because I knew, if I went there I wouldn’t, couldn’t take communion. The LORD provided a way for us to get to the Episcopalian church after all. So it is two days after Christmas. This letter is 8 pages long. And I still don’t know exactly what it’s purpose is. I heard a very good teaching on Mary and the Mary feast days in December on EWTN. I do think the protestant church should give her more attention. But is addressing her actually prayer, since prayer is communicating with God??? And why does the Church think it is important to believe that after the birth of Jesus she remained a virgin? It sounds prudish to me, like saying that sex is a sin, even within the sacrament of marriage and Mary remained pure. Are other mothers impure? I can accept the assumption, and even the immaculate conception. Does what I can or cannot accept make any difference at all? I can not accept the doctrine of predestination. What did Mary mean when she gave the rosary and said it was proof of predestination? I do not accept the doctrine of divine election. Why would a loving God allow babies to be born if he knew full well that their destiny was a devil’s hell? But does it matter what I believe? What I believe or accept or do not accept does not affect ultimate truth. And truth is not a concept to be accepted or not accepted. Truth is a person, to be loved or not loved. And I do love Jesus. But as I stand right now, am I damned? If it is true that to rejoin the Catholic Church I’d have to go to confession, get my first marriage annulled, and accept the Marion doctrine - does that mean that if I don’t do that stuff, I’m bound for hell? Does the fact that I cannot accept predestination or election in the way that it is presented by most protestant churches, mean that I am rejecting the teachings of the Bible and therefore the God of the Bible, and therefore am not truly Christian, although I confess faith in Jesus and His cross? I’ve even read that people who believe like I do are actually working for the enemy. And those words were written by a teacher in a church I used to attend. Ok, so now it’s nine pages lone, single spaced. And I still don’t know…And I want to know. Like that time, 28 years ago, when I called out - “I don’t even know your name”. A new year is beginning. Although I’m feeling pretty old right now, I could well have another 28 years of life ahead of me. I want to make the best of them. I want to live them for the LORD. I want to make wise choices and walk down the right paths.
Lead me, not into temptation, but deliver me from evil…protect me from the evil one.
I guess, on that note I will close. And wait. And see.
The lazy time between Christmas and New Years…time off from School…quiet time, warm and cozy time…I’ll just wait. And watch. And pray