i'm too old for this...

needing another financial miracle, again and always money matters eat my brain...Art needs a job...looking to no avail...we're trying to sell some sound equipment. Today LORD, please, it would solve the immediate crisis. Sigh! Prayer! TV! Maybe if our last name was Richman instead of Broke-up we would be doing better.

so, there is a chance that we may be able to move into a teacherage - like a pasonage but for teachers on the Rez. About 1/2 the rent we are paying now, no utilities, no commute, still - far from RD and Miah, and ugly...no yard, no trees, and I so love our beautiful but too expensive home in farmington.  it makes me sad...

LORD - give me grace and wisdom and give us this day our daily bread!

Christ Has Risen!

 We celebrated the resurrection of our LORD and Savior with Christ Church Saturday evening. It was an exciting service! Starting with the lighting of the Pascal Fire, complete with a mother and daughter being baptized and the decorating of the Cross. We announced the Resurrection with the blowing of the Shofar (blown by Art) and the ringing of bells.  I wish my family had been there with me. But all things considered it was a blessed Holiday season. Passover with my sons and two of my grandchildren. 2 Easter egg hunts with the grandkids, the service last night and a restful Sunday. I even have one more day off from school for Navajo Nation Sovereignty Day. April Showers, fresh flowers, the song of birds and church bells on the wind. Peace overcoming stress. The goodness of God overcoming the idiocy of mankind. Here are some images of Father Carl and Barbie, and the cross.

A mother's broken heart...

Sometimes I wonder,
and then I realize, no - this will never end.
Not until our LORD returns.
There is an unforgivable sin - not unforgivable by the One who bore all our sins on the cross...but man, even the Church will not forgive. A sinner who can never be redeemed, a leper who can never be made clean.
That is the way the world, even the church sees him.
Not the way Jesus sees him.
I wonder, how much more rejection he can bare.
And there is a physical pain in my heart and tears in my eyes and I want to lash out.
God!  I hate this so much!

Passover

I took a personal day today. Praying that the LORD will bless Mr. Buck, my sub. He is a godly gentleman. And the students don't like him because he is "mean". He is a grandfather/elder who demands their respect.
I slept in, and it is time now to get about the business of the day...some thoughts from my morning devotion, as Art sings his beautiful songs that no one will ever hear...
Jesus - Yahshua - our Passover Lamb - our High Priest that understands our weaknesses - and His cross that shows for all time, once and for all, how serious sin is to Yahweh. He has restored us though the Potters nailed scared hands, He has inscribed us on the palms of His Hands. Someone once asked what they thought was a very deep and philosophical question. Can man (humankind) hurt the Almighty God? Can a child hurt their parent? Does our disobedience hurt our Creator? Just look at the cross. Can we see how deeply and literally our rebellion, our selfishness, our stubbornness and greed, our perversion, our violence against each other hurts our God?
Our LORD is trying to get our attention. It doesn't seem anyone is listening. A few crazies with sandwich boards proclaiming the end is near perhaps. Some Tele-evangelists who are still offering one way tickets to paradise for a faith offering, might be using scare tactics to increase their income. But, as in the days of Noah, life goes on.
And I have chores to do...
Here is one of my favorite, all time pictures. A flash from my past. The most intense experience of my life. So grateful for having had the experience. Have a blessed Holy Week!

Palm Sunday

Stupid secular calendar. I'm taking Tuesday off for Passover and cooking a pseudo Sader for the boys to be served at sundown, but it should be tomorrow at sundown which is when Passover for the year 5771 begins. Our prayer will be the Sabbath prayer from Fiddler on the Roof. We can't quite get Tziporah to say the questions...we'll settle for "Why?"  Why indeed. But I guess the questions I'm asking most are "Why nots and Why didn'ts" This morning I was up early, with my coffee and my Bible and praying through Psalms 22, 27, and 37. Last night we went to Christ Church - we celebrated Palm Sunday. I think we will be going there for a while. Fr. Carl is really the only one that has consistently sought us out and been our friend through everything. I am hoping that Jeremiah, Stacy, Elijah, Amadaya, Tziporah and Ethan will come to the Easter Saturday Vigil next week. I think I will go to Passion Play on Wednesday - maybe Friday. Being part of Passion Play got us through some hard times in years past. But we've been slighted, offended the past couple of years. I guess I was hoping we would be missed, and perhaps contacted to see if we were ok. We aren't really. But now I feel as if the absence of the Brokops this year was met with more of a "good riddance" if anyone missed us at all.  This should be an easy week for me at work. Tuesday off, Wednesday half day for students, no school Friday...Good Friday. And its a four day weekend for us because Monday is Navajo Nation Sovereignty day. Which gives me yet another 4 day week. School is rapidly coming to another end. Drama club is working on "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
If anyone really reads these ramblings...anyone besides Bobbie, Hi Bobbie...and probably my sister Jo...maybe Bethany? Anyway...whoever might take time...oh yeah Von too...who else? I never know...anyway,  if you, whoever you are would pray for us...pray that Art gets on the Sub list at Central Consolidated and is able to put in at least 10 days before the end of the school year...he's been trying for months and there is a snag in the system somewhere. We really doubt we'll have another opportunity to minister full time like before. Too many failures, too much frustration. Art needs a job. We can't afford to live in this lovely house much longer. A prayer that the LORD will help us find a new, affordable home, perhaps closer to Shiprock would also be appreciated.
Today I'll be watching the grandkids for a while, and I have to do my taxes, and grade papers, and do a little of house work, except I will be do some major cleaning on Tuesday. So that is all I have to say right now.
May the LORD have mercy on fools like me...And may He bless us, everyone. 

Sunday

Spring Time in the Four Corners - Wind howling, church bells ringing in the distance. Throwing my thoughts to the wind, throwing my thoughts to the world wide web! How close are we to the end? How ready are we for his arrival?
Fear?
Not at all.
Urgency?
No more than usual.
We are going to a birthday party today! Fry Bread and Laughter. Glory be to the LORD of the Wind!

Sunday

Didn't go to church today. Art is sick. I didn't feel much like going anyway. The United Methodist Church we've been walking to is going through a divorce of sorts. Staff parish committee and Pastor conflict and pastor is moving on. I had a good day yesterday with the kiddos and school starts up again tomorrow. State Testing begins Tuesday. I still have some homework to do. Ms Procrastinator. Soon to take my place at the coffee table, coffee, TV and piles of papers. I really thank God for my job. And I pray that my students do as well as I know they can on those stupid tests, because it is by those tests and those tests alone that many judge my worth as a teacher. Here are some spring photos etc. Seeing them makes me smile!

1 Peter

 I read First Peter today. Watched Religion and Ethics. Thinking how American Christians seem to feel entitled to a blessed life without sacrifice. Comment was made on R&E that the Japanese, in light of tragedy do not often ask the question "why me?"  It's spring break and I am being very lazy. I have some homework and house work to do. But it's only Tuesday. Maybe Golden Corral for the early bird special. See Tziporah? See Tziporah swing!

three months in hiding

has it really been 3 months since I have blogged. i haven't written much anywhere for that matter. i haven't prayed much either. praise comes easy. sunrises, starry nights, laughing grandchildren...these things solicit praise from me. Glory be to Yahweh! but i have a hard time supplicating, which i guess is a good thing. i mean the Father doesn't want to hear a lot of "gimme gimme's"
what father does?
i've been teaching. i've been sleeping. i've been watching television.
i've been wondering about dead birds and dead fish. is it significant that birds and fish were created on the same day?
i've been thinking about the earthquakes that have affected the tilt of our planet and the unrest in the middle east. will i really live to see the second coming?
by the way, i do not believe in rapture as most evangelicals teach, but i am not in physical shape to survive tribulation. i think about that too.
i am missing doing ministry. doing "church" has been a big part of who art and i are together. not having a ministry, or a church family has created a void in our relationship. we aren't doing passion play either. can't say i am missing that specifically. after some frustration in the past couple of years, i think doing it would have made matters worse, not better.
we probably shouldn't just sit around licking our wounds of offense. but we are not really ready to step out of the boat again. we are tired of sinking over and over again. and this is all i have to say right now.
its windy, the sky is dirty, and i'm tired. maybe i'll write again tomorrow. i am on spring break after all.

Pictures that make me smile...

and if you haven't checked out the O Holy Night link on our facebook profile, be sure to do so...

December 2010

So much I want to say...some words of anger - some words of resentment - some words of frustration. And I want to brag, about the Christmas Play I wrote for my drama club at school - a Navajo version of A Christmas Carol - and about the Holiday Party I put together for the staff at my school. And I want to show off the pictures I took at Tziporah's 2nd birthday party.

We're not going to church...not any church. We hardly missed any Sundays in the 31 years that we've been married. But since we had Kirtland Hope pulled out from under us in September, we've only been to church a couple of times.

We bought a DVD for my sister and brother-in-law in Florida- Drums of Thunder (One Night for God) with Jonathan Maracle. We previewed it, and Art said he cried through the whole thing...Art is like that...When I saw it, at the first beat of the drum, my eyes teared up as well. I can not explain the love, the burden we feel for these people, the Dine', the First Nations. The forgotten minority. The Holy Spirit is moving and although we are not technically Native ourselves, we feel ourselves being moved along in this direction. We feel it is so important.

It's not about the drum. Although it is funny how offensive some people find the drum. Like 25 years ago when we "fought" to get a guitar in Grace United Methodist Church. Most churches have electric guitars, drum sets, even African congas, but "heaven forbid" there is a pow-wow drum in the sanctuary.

It's about Acts 17, and Deuteronomy 32, and Genesis 11.  It's about 95% of the Native American population of the North American Continent that still see Jesus as the "White Man's God"  It's about finding one's identity in Jesus, and worshiping Him in Spirit and in Truth, with the song and rhythm that the Creator has put in one's heart.

And it's about the Torah, the FULL Gospel, from Genesis to Revelation. It's about dancing and ceremony - worshiping Creator with one's whole body, mind, and soul...with one's whole strength.
Church is not supposed to be a spectator's sport.

Right now I am so down on denominations. The FM mission that was "sold" last year sits abandoned and over grown with weeds, with a ForSale sign in front of it.  Theologically we are "methodist" but the UM was too liberal, and the FM and EV don't want us, or get us,
and we never wanted to go independent, non-denominational, because we knew we needed a covering, authority to which to submit.  I feel guilty for the failed ministries. If we had prayed harder. If we had tried harder. And if God had really been behind them, would they have failed? I rarely drive by the old FM mission, and when I do, I cry tears of regret and beg for forgiveness. When I drive down highway 6480 on the way to work, and pass KH, I just feel resentment. But then I feel guilty for having such negative feelings.

And then there is the condition of the world.  Hey folks, are you watching? Do you see the hand of judgment on this land? on this planet. Is the second Advent, the time before the second coming, is it drawing to an end?  Rapture? I wish. Tribulation? I wouldn't be surprised.
Faith and Trust and Peace where there is no peace. What difference does anything else make?

So, I'll simply publish this, and then post some pictures of my grandkids, because there in is the joy i am feeling this season. Grandkids and remembering that Jesus IS...

If you read this and if you are my friend, than please lift me and mine up in prayer. Art and I are using this time off to pray and consider if we should take a step of faith as far as ministry is concerned, or just sit back and watch and wait. Thanks for your time and your prayers...maryellen brokop   301 E. Hopi   87401   NM

Harvest Time

I love this time of year!  Crisp mornings - The morning star shining brilliantly in the east - Pumpkins and Squash and "Indian Corn". We're going to Denver this Thanksgiving - look out Colorado Brokops, you'll have "real Indians" at your feast this year! Last year, at this time, we were dealing with the news that they were closing the Farmington Free Methodist Mission, after 58 years. It had been sold, yet still it stands, overgrown with weeds and abandoned. We were planning on our annual Thanksgiving Feast - open to the friends and family of our ministry, to the families who counted on our food pantry for weekly help with their groceries, to the families who played with us at our back to school event, to our partners in ministry - we had over 80 last year - in our newly remodeled Fellowship hall. Yet this year the roof is off the building, and the windows are dark.

We had hoped we could continue to minister under the covering of the Evangelical Church - but that lasted less than 6 months - before rug was pulled out from under us...again. And yes, this harvest season sees Art and I feeling resentful and discouraged. Still, I love this time of year. I love teaching reading on the Reservation, I love doing drama club with my students,  I love my new little grandson, all my grandchildren. I have friends and family and moderately good health. I miss the "ministry" part of our lives. And we haven't found a church to worship in...I guess we aren't really looking. Taking a break of sorts. Art is writing and studying. I sleep in on Sundays, read scripture some, pray a lot. I'm posting pictures. We had Ethan's baby shower on Halloween. The kids have been playing in the leaves, raking some, mostly playing. Drama club sponsered a Halloween dance, and the club members were Zombies to MJ's song thriller. I am making up for that godless activity by having them putting on an original play - a Navajo version of the classic The Christmas Carol.  Ebenezer Yazzie. Bah Humbug! Well, thats all for now. Blessings on all who read this rambling! Read Art's too. Desert Voices...as always - God bless us every one!

Signs in the Heavens?

Art and I were sitting on the front porch, discussing our past failures and future possibilities, and we noticed this "Jesus fish" in the sky.  Dear LORD, I do believe, please help my unbelief.

Monday Morning but who cares?

By some standards, it is still "the middle of the night." I woke up at 3:30 and finished a play I've been working on. A Navajo version of "The Christmas Carol" for our drama club to put on. I'm gonna give it to our school counselor to read to see if it would be appropriate for the kids to do for the school.

I deleted our ministry blogs. Both the Free Methodist one and the Kirtland Hope one. For the past few weeks I have been fighting anger, disappointment, hard feelings. We've been trying this ministry thing for years, my hubby and I. Every time it seemed like we were getting somewhere, things got plowed under.

This was not our idea. We shared our concerns. We shared our vision with the powers that were. Lack of communication, a conflict of interest, clashing personalities???? All of a sudden, another ministry that was just beginning to grow was "shut down". At least where we were concerned. Thanks, but your service is no longer required. Take your toys and go home. Good Luck! God Bless! We're sure God has something for you somewhere.

Only we're not so sure.

We have a new grandson. Ethan Paul. That makes 4. I revised my poem "Greet the Dawn" to include him. I posted it on Art's blog.

There is some comfort there. In my precious grandchildren. But heartache too. Family just hasn't turned out to be all I hoped it would be.


I love my job. Even though many of the students have an "I don't care" attitude. AYP and SBA add stress to my job. But I still love what I do, and I'm enjoying leading drama club too.

Finances suck.  Not that Art was getting paid for pastoring Kirland Hope. But now he feels useless, and is looking for some sort of "paying job".  But there isn't much this oversized, over-the-hill  mountain man can do.

I hate driving through Kirtland every morning, past the "church". It's been one year since we were informed they sold the Free Methodist Mission, and the property sits there abandoned, over grown with weeds, the roofs ripped off two of the buildings, so very sad. I hate to drive past there as well. At least I can avoid that.

I'm rambling. I've been up an hour and a half and the alarm just rang. Haven't even had my first cup of coffee yet.

I'm tired, and I'm feeling like a failure, who is married to a failure. At least where ministry is concerned.  Don't give me platitudes. I find words of encouragement very discouraging.

Let me look at the picture of my grandchildren. Let me sigh and say, Life goes one. Let me sit on my front porch with a cup of coffee. Thank God for caffeine. It's Monday - again - Life goes on.

Pictures and Reflections

School is about to start. A summer of ministry comes to an end. Feeding the lambs at VBS, Fathers helping their kids pick out school supplies, Sharing first fruit with the homeless.

Soon I will meet my 140 new students, 6th, 7th and 8th graders who need some reading intervention in order to succeed academically. They will know from day one that I am a Christian, a pastor's wife. So I hope that HIS light will shine forth from me in all I do and say.

 I have to write objectives on the board everyday. Because I have 3 grade levels, in order to get everything that needs to be on the board there, I actually have to kneel on the floor to write at the bottom of the board.

I have to kneel everyday. I think that's cool. No way I will forget to pray this year, no matter how busy I get.

Tomorrow is Sunday. It's my oldest son's 30th birthday. I let out a deep sigh. He is such a wonderful human being. Again I sigh. It wasn't supposed to be like this...

So I say, I love you LORD!  Thank you for staying with us through fire and rain, even when we have brought that fire and rain down upon ourselves. I love you LORD. And I love these people, the ones in our little church, the ones who came to VBS and the Back to School Carnival. I love the people I met this summer. I love the woman I prayed with last Tuesday. I love those students I have not yet met, and the ones from last year who came in to see me last week, afraid to start High School, they hugged me and I wished them well.


Time to do church bulletins and update the Kirtland Hope Web Site. Then I'll frost ARDY's birthday cake and watch some dumb TV.  God Bless Us - God Bless Us Everyone!

Images from Evangelical Church Conference Trip

my morning walk, and some other flowers